


Got Crabs?

by CrabbyMaiden



Series: Puns for the Soul [10]
Category: Undertale (Video Game), underfell (fandom)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Underfell (Undertale), Comedy, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Minor Angst, Reader is an Idiot, Romance, Sans instantly realizes they're an idiot, Slice of Life, Writer Crab Hijinks, crabs, this fic is very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23435473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrabbyMaiden/pseuds/CrabbyMaiden
Summary: "I lost my baby and I need help." The skeleton blinked at you once, then repeated the action as if he hadn't understood a damn thing you said, so you added, "If we don't find him in the next fifteen minutes, he's gonna dehydrate anddie.""uuuhhhh...what." He looked almost as panicked as you now: his red eyelights little more than pinpricks and a burst of sweat broke out across his brow. "how the fuck did you lose ababy?"[A self-indulgent fic for Sans_x_Self_Insert_Ship_Week_2020]
Relationships: Sans (Underfell)/Reader
Series: Puns for the Soul [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/937008
Comments: 67
Kudos: 350
Collections: Sans/Self Insert Ship Week 2020





	1. First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> listen sometimes i just have to scream into the void about my undying love for crabs okay
> 
> plus i needed to write something fun and not at all serious to help cheer myself up, so plz excuse my mistakes =3=;;

  
  
When your soulmate mark developed, it was easy to say you were underwhelmed and confused by the " _uuuhhhh..._ what _. how the fuck did you lose a_ baby _?_ " that adorned your wrist in chicken scratch.

You could distinctly remember your parents trying to give you reassurances: " _Surely it would be a misunderstanding,_ " and " _Maybe they thought you were someone else_ ". It wasn't a _terrible_ soulmark, but it certainly raised a few brows when an employer would reach to shake your hand only to find that you were doomed to lose a child at some point. Your third cousin had " _Do deez nuts cost extra?_ " on her thigh so really, you had no room to complain and you really doubted that you could ever lose an infant-toddler-thing.

That is until you got to the point in your life where you realized that it was, in fact, extremely easy to lose a baby. Everything your parents had taught you and had tried to prepare you for still managed to fail miserably and you were still stuck looking _everywhere_ for the little shit. In your plants, under your tables, behind your TV: anywhere it could hide, you were searching for him frantically. It was kind of embarrassing, considering how you had pretty much your entire life to get good at finding shit and you wasted the chance just to play video games and read bad fanfics.

Maybe you were just overlooking him. Maybe he was sitting right in plain sight and you were just _not fucking seeing him._ Maybe he suddenly grew camouflage and was now one with your living room: who knew!

Your fingers knotted in your hair in frustration and you paced in a circle as you tried to figure out what to do. A fresh set of eyes in the room would help you out immensely but you couldn't call anyone: the people you could contact were too far away or were too preoccupied with jobs to come to help your dumb ass out. Would the apartment manager help...? Perhaps maintenance! 

"Fuck, it's worth a shot," you muttered and hurried to open your door.

As soon as you stepped outside, you spotted one of the newer neighbors shuffling down the hall, looking very much like Death himself got hit by a bus. Stout, made of bones and hungover a majority of the time, you had never gathered up the courage to speak to the grumpy bastard or his bombastic brother, but they were well known for being the resident troublemakers for all of the shenanigans they would get into. From blowing up their oven to starting fights with a _very_ angry fish lady to somehow pranking their fellow residents by carefully lining the halls with _whoopee cushions_ , you simply did your best to avoid them and minded your own business.

You bit your lip and tried to debate what you should do. From the rumors, you've heard that most Monsters were actually fairly decent to be around, if not a bit rough around the edges thanks to the effort of the kid that had freed them from their prison and taught them about the magic of Friendship or something, though you were still nervous. Frankly, most people were still terrified of the edgy assholes that had come up out of the mountain a few years ago, but the more he stalked closer, the more you decided that not even the skeleton's shark-like grimace could deter you from your search.

Mind made up, you dove at him and grabbed his shoulders as he made a variety of confused noises and flailed to get away from you. His hand slapped against your face and his palm pushed your head further away from him, but you continued to cling to him undeterred until you managed to grab hold of his jacket and haul him into your apartment. You were quick to slam the door shut, preventing both him _and_ your baby from escaping before you turned to him with a manic look in your eyes. His fists were already up in a brawl position and his left eye was flooded with red magic that swirled and smoked in the air around his head, but you didn't - _couldn't_ \- let it stop you.

You sucked in a breath to try to calm down, all while he stared at you like you were certifiably insane. 

"I lost my baby and I need help." The skeleton blinked at you once, then repeated the action as if he hadn't understood a damn thing you said, so you added, "If we don't find him in the next fifteen minutes, he's gonna dehydrate and _die_."

"uuuhhhh... _what_." He looked almost as panicked as you now: his red eyelights little more than pinpricks and a burst of sweat broke out across his brow. "how the fuck did you lose a _baby_?"

"They're escape artists! The little fuckers just-" You made a variety of motions with your hands, but you were back to scanning the room for signs of your target. "He's probably _terrified_. I should have kept a better eye on him, I should have-"

The skeleton cringed as he watched you tear the cushions off the couch, then awkwardly came forward to place his hand on your shoulder in what you assumed was comfort, but he very much looked as though he would rather be literally anywhere else. If you weren't in peak "everything is awful" mode, you'd probably want to crawl into a socially awkward hole and die too. You were just amazed that he didn't sock you in the mouth the moment you jumped him.

"i'm... sure they're fine."

"Y-yeah," you squeaked and lifted your decorative rug to peek under it as if it would help. "I'm... Sure he's not dying... Or stuck in a vent..."

His eyes went completely dark and somehow, he began to sweat even more. "n... nah. i doubt it. we'll find 'im, toots."

It surprised you how easy it was to convince the typically grumpy and standoffish stranger to help you and you couldn't help but watch in awe as he squatted down beside a chair to peer under the table. The sight would have warmed your heart if not for the fact that you were on a time limit to find your precious baby before they upped and died. You could fawn over the prickly Monster doing a nice thing for you _after_ the search was over.

Powered by a newfound sense of Determination, you began the long process of checking every nook and cranny in your household. No cabinet went unopened, no pillow left in their cases: wherever you both went, you left behind a trail of destruction and out-of-place furniture in your wake. Really, you would have been impressed by the teamwork that was going on if you weren't too busy making kissy noises in a vain attempt at drawing out the missing bugger.

"are ya sure he's even _in_ the apartment?" The skeleton asked as he held up the couch for you to peek underneath it.

You froze. "I... _Hope_ he is...?"

He groaned and dropped the couch back down. "ya don't even _know_?"

"I'm... Pretty sure...?"

You cringed and sat back on your heels, preparing to thank the skeleton and apologize for wasting his time, but you stopped short when you saw a short burst of movement on his jacket. In the blink of an eye, you once again lunged at him and nearly yanked his shorts down as you reached up to swipe the red and black critter that was clinging to his clothes. He swore and clutched at his waistband to prevent you from depantsing him, but you ignored his indignant shouts to cradle the small, red claw crab in the palms of your hands. It instantly pinched you like the little bastard it was, though you didn't care as you began to blubber happily and cooed at it.

"Oh my god- you were with us the whole time! How did you climb up the nice fella so fast?" You walked over to a carefully decorated aquarium where two similar crabs sat half-hidden by a plant, giving you a perfect opportunity to open the lid and set the escape artist on a driftwood log before quickly snapping and securing the tank shut. "You had mama so worried! Don't you _ever_ do that again."

The red and black crab pointedly ignored you and tapped its claws on the log before it leisurely crawled into the water and promptly hid inside the plants with its tank mates. The sheer amount of relief that flooded you made you sigh and grin down at them happily now that the vomit-inducing anxiety rush was over with. You'd have to reorganize the tank to prevent any future mishaps and-

" _crabs!?_ " The sudden shout made you jump and whip around to face the skeleton. "all these years and it was about a fuckin' _crab_!? you've got _crabs_!?"

You held your hands up in defense and wondered if dragging him into your apartment was about to be the biggest mistake of your life. "Huh?"

""huh"? _that's_ all ya have to say to me?" He threw his hands in the air and his voice raised in volume. "no "nice to meet ya" or "how the fuck do ya do"?"

Confused more than ever, you squinted at him and questioningly said, "How the fuck do you do?"

The skeleton instantly slapped his palms against his face and let out a muffled scream. "boss was right: my soulmate is a fuckin' idiot."

"I'm... Sorry? Maybe you should talk it out with them. They could just be oblivious, you know."

He stared at you, his expression dull as he yanked the hem up his shirt up to his chin and you yelped and shielded your eyes, though you peeked anyways because what the hell did a skeleton have to flash you with?

Across his ribs, you recognized your handwriting.

" _I lost my baby and I need help. If we don't find him in the next fifteen minutes, he's gonna dehydrate and_ die."

Your mouth formed an "o" and you suddenly realized that he had, indeed, said the fated words as well.


	2. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god i didn't expect this many people to like this shit post i'm so sorry lmao

  
  
Your soulmate's name was Sans.

No last name. Just "Sans the Skeleton", though he only told you that after screaming into a pillow for thirty minutes after he had the realization that you had crabs and that you were kind of obsessive about them. You didn't think it was that bad, but after listening to him mutter about you being an oblivious idiot and something along the lines of "you're gonna get murdered", you began to wonder if you had missed a memo somewhere. It wasn't clear if he was threatening to murder you or if someone would discover your hobby and take offense to it, but either way, you were mildly concerned.

"I can write up a care sheet for if I do get murdered?" You had offered, but it only made him go right back to screeching into the pillow.

***

Sans had insisted you meet his brother after he had what you assumed was a Monster equivalent of a mid-life crisis in your living room while you tidied the apartment. Which was cool and all, but you had literally just met each other and you were fairly certain that if your _soulmate_ was kind of weirded out by your babies, his family members were definitely going to (not) take it well. But sure, you made him think you were going to lose an actual infant all his life so he kind of had the right to instantly throw you to the wolves.

And said wolf seemed very unimpressed. 

Where Sans was short and thick, Papyrus was thin and seven-foot going on twenty-foot. He also had no last name, but he carried a title of GREAT AND TERRIBLE, which seemed like an oxymoron but it was a step up from "the Skeleton" and the way he squinted at you critically did make you feel greatly terrible, so you guessed it fit. It only took him a few seconds to point at his brother and declare you to be entirely his problem in an "I told you so" way before stomping off to put on a frilly pink apron like it was battle armor for his war against the dishes.

"That went well," you remarked brightly. You didn't get maimed, at least.

Sans groaned and dragged his hand down his face. "don't come here alone: he _will_ throw you in his "torture chamber" to make you test his new traps."

"What?"

You never got an answer, just a grunt and his number added to your contact list.

**From: Sans, 11:37 AM**

**call me if you're ever in trouble**

**Tue 11:38 AM, Outgoing Call (Sans)**

**From: Sans, 11:39 AM**

**ffghghdggh why did you call**

**From: You, 11:40 AM**

**Help, my heart was stolen**

**From: Sans, 11:41 AM**

**???**

**i literally just saw you how the fuck**

**hang on**

**From: You, 11:42 AM**

**I was flirting**

**From: Sans, 11:43 AM**

**oh**

**From: Sans, 11:45 AM**

**aorta brush up on human pick up lines**

***

Sans the Skeleton was an elusive fucker.

You'd think after finding your soulmate, you'd go on a date, maybe hang out, get to know each other, but _no_. What you assumed was a greasy, grumpy, hungover bastard was actually a workaholic with what felt like twelve jobs that made it next to impossible to line your schedules up. You could count on one hand the number of times you've actually spoken to him in person: which was four and a half, the half being the one time you discovered he could fucking _poof_ out of thin air at the drop of a hat. Your texts, on the other hand, were a nonstop stream of shitty puns themed around mustard, butts - he was apparently an "ass" type of guy - and crabs: it was obvious that the only reason he was making crab jokes was because of your pets, but you appreciated it all the same.

It didn't change the fact that you hardly knew him, but you _wanted_ to fix that. You wanted to know the guy that was making you laugh your ass off at random times of the day and you wanted to see him relax rather than be stuck in a permanently tired grimace. Glimpses of a fun, charming personality would peek out every now and then and goddamn it, you wanted to see it in full.

So, you began to text him random questions.

**From: You, 9:19 PM**

**Crossword or Word Searches?**

**From: Sans, 9:20 PM**

**crosswords**

**From: You, 9:22 PM**

**Who the hell likes crosswords**

**From: Sans, 9:23 PM**

**what, were the words too cross with you as a kid?**

Though sometimes, your thumb would twitch towards the "Block" option.

***

The moment the overworked skeleton reluctantly agreed to take a day off, you were prepared. More than prepared. You had a battle plan to assert yourself into his life and you were on a mission to get one (1) smooch before the end of the night.

Could skeletons smooch? Hell if you knew, but you were ready to find out.

Snacks were gathered, movies were carefully selected and you even went out and bought multiple packets of the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars and planets that you could slap on your ceiling. His love for space was something he had only mentioned briefly in the form of a yet another shit pun - " _if i was as spacey as you, i'd be out of this world. good thing astrology leaves me with starry eyes_ " - but you could tell from the way he spat them out rapid-fire that he was a bit more passionate about that subject. 

The cheap decorations looked tacky as hell and you were fairly certain he was going to laugh his ass off at the fact that you had actually spent a good chunk of the day carefully arranging the damn things, but it was all part of your master plan.

If he laughed, he was relaxed. If he was relaxed, maybe... Just maybe, he'd let you get closer to him.

**From: You, 2:58 PM**

**If you could go anywhere in the world...**

**Where would you go?**

**From: Sans, 2:59 PM**

**anywhere?**

**From: You, 3:01 PM**

**Yup! Anywhere you can think of, no limitations**

**From: Sans, 3:01 PM**

**your arms**

Sometimes, he was an awfully smooth player and it would always catch you right in the heart. You were pretty sure if you told him that, he would turn the sweet moments into more of his dumbass jokes, so you were determined to take that little detail to the grave. 

**From: You, 3:02 PM**

**I'll be waiting :)**

You could barely contain your excitement.

***

There was a knock on your door a minute past the designated time Sans was supposed to arrive and you practically ripped it open in your eagerness to greet him. The sudden action made him jump and instinctively whack you dead in the face with the bouquet of pink and red camellias he had bought, but it also sent you both into a fit of laughter at the overall silliness of it. You were quick to take the battered remains and press a kiss to his cheek before hurrying to tuck the blooms into a vase while he worked on settling into the living room.

He instantly noticed the plastic stars. "what are those?"

"Oh, I thought they'd set the mood," you nonchalantly said and waited for his laughter.

"i like 'em," he grumbled in approval and you about broke your neck from whipping around to look at him. "what?"

You didn't say anything and flicked the light switch off to reveal that they were glowing.

There was a sparkle in his eyes as he stared at them. "where'd ya get these?"

"The dollar store," you explained and in a sudden stroke of genius, you pushed the coffee table to the side to clear up space on the floor. "They used to be really popular when I was a kid. I'm surprised I found some."

You scooped up the pile of pillows and blankets you had stacked on the couch and tossed them on the floor haphazardly before flopping down on them. He gave you an odd look, but you patted the space beside you and waggled your brows at him in an attempt to coax him over. With an exaggerated roll of his eyes and a grunt as he stood, he plopped down on his back and stared up at the ceiling with you.

"did you arrange those stars into a dick?"

"They started off as a smiley face and kind of ended up like that."

Sans snorted and partially covered his mouth with his palm to hide his snickers, but it quickly turned into full-bodied laughter as he pointed out other shapes that you had accidentally made. He practically had you in stitches as it went from him teasing you for your star arrangements to him telling you about some weird stuff that happened at work to him suddenly passing the fuck out. You thought he died for a second, but when the snores started up, you could only chuckle and cover him with a blanket.

It wasn't your original plan, but you liked to think it worked out better this way.

***

When Sans woke up, his mood was... Different.

You were sitting cross-legged as you held one of your crabs in your hands as it and tried not to make too much noise as it pinched you in the gap between your fingers. He sat up partially and you could see the red glow from his eyes like they were spotlights that zeroed in on you: unblinking and narrowed as though they were accusing you of something. You cupped a protective hand over your baby, which it proceeded to pinch as well.

"i'm a skeleton."

You squinted at him in the dark, confused and wondering where he was going with this. "Okay?"

"i'm a _skeleton_ ," he spoke slowly, as if you were too dumb to understand his words. "you know, what _dead humans_ become?"

"You're a dead human?"

"what?" That seemed to be enough to knock him out of the serious growl he was directing your way and his voice shifted into a higher range. " _no_ , fuck no. i'm a _monster_ , so i was never human to begin with."

"Oh. Okay then," you shrugged and jostled your hand a bit to get the crab to let go of you.

There was a brief pause where the room was silent save for your faint hiss of pain when it decided it wasn't pinching you _hard enough_. Asshole.

"aren't you grossed out?" Sans finally asked and he sounded doomed to some terrible fate of being deemed gross.

"Aren't _you_ grossed out? I have meat and fat and blood over my skeleton. Mmmm squishy organs. Bodily fluids. Skin flaps-"

He slapped his palm over your mouth and shuddered violently. "it's so fuckin' nasty and i don't want to think about it. you're made of water and minerals. that's all."

"Erm whmff mwm ffuu-" He removed his hand and you tried again. "So I gross _you_ out."

"i mean, yeah, kinda," he confessed.

" _Wow_." You weren't really offended: the differences between the two of you had crossed your mind more than once. It'd be weird if _he_ hadn't thought of it either. "Is that why it took so long for you to come back over?"

He pointedly avoided looking at you and it made you crack up laughing. "i had to fuckin' research humans, alright? jesus, you're all so complicated and i spent my whole life thinkin' my soulmate would be some sort of monster that couldn't spend more than fifteen minutes out of water. but _noooo_ , you're just a human with _crabs_ -" 

It wasn't funny. It really wasn't. Sans was finally in your home and _talking_ to you unprompted and here you were cackling like a madman while his face was steadily glowing brighter. He was so hung up on the fact that his mark was about your _crabs_ and for some reason, it struck you right in the giggles every time it was brought up. 

"stop laughin', i'm serious." He shoved you, but there was little force behind it and he sounded more resigned than anything. "i was prepared to carry a goddamn watering can with me once i met you."

" _Oh my god_ ," you wheezed and the little bugger you were holding decided to take your moment of weakness as a chance to bolt. "AH shit-"

It was already scurrying its adorable little crab legs across the mounds of pillows and blankets when Sans sighed deeply and scooped it up with a look that clearly screamed: "why am i doing this". You were trying to suck in enough air to warn him about pinching, but by the time you got the first syllable out, it already had its claw clamped around his pinky finger and he was staring down at it with a deadpan expression. Once the crab adjusted to the new handler, it settled down and stopped trying to escape - all while keeping a tight grip on Sans' finger.

You blinked at his non-reaction. "I'm sorry, is he hurting you? I can put him back in the tank."

It took a moment, but Sans finally responded with a soft, "s'okay, i can't even feel it."

You grinned and took it as his way of saying " _the little fucker is actually kind of cute_ ".

Instead of voicing that, you sweetly asked, "So, am I too gross to kiss?" 

He looked up at you, a cocky grin on his face as he purred, "oh, i'm totally down with getting _nasty_ with you, meatsack."

You rolled your eyes. "Not in front of the kids."

**Author's Note:**

> I also run a discord server for writing/creativity, so if you're interested in joining, please see [my profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrabbyMaiden/profile) for more details! <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Grounding Your Ego](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26032087) by [Kharons_End](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kharons_End/pseuds/Kharons_End)




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